HOES & THE NEW ZODIAC

According to the University Of Drew,here is where the real signs of the Zodiac should fall and how they relate to the fact that there are so many new age hoez out here. Get ready for your world to change forever.

Capricorn (Jan. 20-Feb. 16)
Men: These are the peepin toms, stalkers types that are often found paying for internet porn. Most likely to be in an all out love affair with a hooker they met in an alley.
Women: The confused &confusing type. As sorry sex magnets they are most likely to be so blown away by a piece of decent dick that many of them become sugar mommaz who’ll pay your car note while their kids are eating Ramen Noodles.

Aquarius (Feb. 16-March 11)
Men: These are the sex slave types. They are cool if they never get off as long as they please their woman. They are most likely to be found washing off the yellow stuff after playing R. Kelly with their lover.
Women: The kinky sex lovers. Gerbels up the ass & nipple clamps are kiddy shit to them. Most likely to be found at the hospital waiting on their lover to recuperate from last night’s sex adventures which ended up with them somehow falling out of a third story window.

Pisces (March 11-April 18)
Men: The extra talented lover type. They love themselves too damn much & are most likely to see themselves as too good to be restricted to just females so downlow acts are on the radar.
Women: The backwards ass types. They have good hearts but get shit badly twisted most times. They are most likely to be a lady in the sheets but a freak in the streets.

Aries (April 18-May 13)
Men: The off the hook types. They will go the extra two miles for a sexual thrill. They are most likely to have an unprotected sex orgy with 4 smelly ass strippers every weekend.
Women: The loyal & naïve type. They will believe anything that something with a penis tells them. They are most likely to watch Maury tell her husband that he is somebody else’s baby daddy (three times)& still believe him when he says ‘no he’s not.’

Taurus (May 13-June 21)
Men: The hard headed, know it all type. They are the absolute best when it comes to sex, at least that’s what they believe. They are most likely to tell their lover: “If you didn’t get off then I don’t know what your problem is – I just gave you the best 30 seconds of your life.”
Women: The confused actress type. You never really know whats going on with them. You can be fucking the hell outta them yet they are just laying there like a dead body. They are most likely to be ‘happily married with the perfect life’ for ten years before their friends find out that she has never once had an orgasm & she just suddenly committed suicide.

Gemini (June 21-July 20)
Men: The used car salesmen types. They are fast, faster and fastest. They can easily talk a girl outta them panties & yes they can back it up in the bedroom but don’t blink or you might miss it. Most likely to be the old guy at the club still pullin ‘em but can’t keep ‘em.
Women: The popular types. They will dress & act like hoes to get all the attention, but when they get a man back to her place they really just wanna talk – sexual nerds. They are most likely to be the fine chick that the guys warn each other to stay away from.

Cancer: (July 20-Aug. 10)
Men: The mixed nuts type. They wanna be playaz but they can’t avoid falling in love with each one of his girlfriends. They are most likely to have two families living right across the street from each other & actually pulling it off.
Women: The schizophrenic types. These are the types of women who will talk shit about your little ass dick, while they’re fuckin your brains out & suddenly burst into tears cuz they think you might someday leave them. Most likely to be old with a house full of cats & a few hit & run homies.

Leo: (Aug. 10-Sept. 16)
Men: The royalty types. They believe that they are the bosses of the relationship. They are more than willing to politely whoop a bitchez ass after sex to convince her that he loves her & has her best interests at heart. They are most likely to be arrested for domestic violence & get bailed out by the girl he just beat up.
Women: The crazy glue types. ‘Glue’ becuz they will stand by your side thru a ton of shit; bad sex, cheating, fuckin their female & male cousins, etc. ‘Crazy’ cuz if you just happen to figure out how to push them too far they will end up on a two hour double episode of “Snapped.”

Virgo (Sept. 16-Oct. 30)
Men: The metro sexual types. They are into all that unusual shit like skinny jeans, mohawks & nipple rings, but if they don’t scare you away they might actually blow your mind (or your brothers) sexually. They are most likely to be the happily married husband that’s one day discovered sneaking out and prostituting in drag.
Women: The sexual waitress type. They are the types that will serve you up properly if you can handle their little weird & eccentric qualities such as having of shitty hygiene or dressing like a homeless person or just being ugly as shit.

Libra (Oct. 30-Nov. 23)
Men: The frustrated type. They really don’t understand women at all and really don’t want to be bothered with all their bullshit. They are the kind of guys who would most likely buy pussy, turn gay or just have super calloused hands from chronic masturbation.
Women: The ditzy airhead types. They want to live in a fantasy world so bad that they will tell themselves that a nightmare is really a dream and believe it. They are most likely to be happily married to an ugly ass, short dick minute man who has bad breath & hair growing out of his nose.

Scorpio (Nov. 23-29)
Men: The mysterious types. They have a tendency to be sneaky ass liars. They will fuck your pussy so good it’ll put you to sleep then fuck you in the ass while you’re knocked out. They will not commit to you & are most likely to have a wife, girlfriend & a dip on the side and be fuckin them all so well that if they do know about each other they won’t even give a damn.
Women: The confused super freak types. They don’t know what limits are when it comes to sex. They will go the extra mile for added intensity in the bedroom which for them means anything from lighting candles to stickin an M-80 in a man’s ass if it’ll get him humpin harder and faster. But they are some mixed signal sending women, they are most likely to bring a man home from the club, get his dick hard and keep saying no for hours becuz she really just wants him to slam her ass on the bed, take the pussy and caveman fuck her.

Ophiuchus (Nov. 29-Dec. 17)
Men: The flamboyant types. They are the most likely to be sittin in prison with swollen hemorrhoids and kool-aid lips. They are very flashy and are quick to take you to an expensive hotel to sex you up, just make sure you wear a condom if you think you might be allergic to doo-doo dicks.
Women: The pretty bitch type. They are the envy of other women. They are most like to be fine as hell and a major league dick pleaser all in one. But they often believe that they’re too good to just confine it to one man. If you marry one don’t be surprised if one day you kiss her and she’s got dick breath cuz she’s been secretly earning extra cash as a prostitute or a stripper.

Sagittarius (Dec. 17-Jan. 20)
Men: The player types. They can be good men & good lovers. They will promise you the best sex of your life; lickin your ass & suckin your toes and have you feelin like you’re the only one. Then you’ll find out they’re lickin your best friends armpits and tellin her the same exact shit. Most likely to hurt the wrong woman and get their dicks chopped off.
Women: The Bob-The-Builder types. They think they can fix anything. No matter what’s wrong with their relationship ‘mamaz gonna work it out’ even if it means teaching a whack ass man how to dougie in the bedroom. But they just don’t know when to throw in the towel. They are most likely to be found married to a 10 year veteran crack head showing him how to use popsicle sticks on his limp dick to make it seem hard.

It’s 2012 y’all let’s get it in. But remember just cuz you got hoe tendencies don’t mean you gotta act on ‘em.

Peace & enjoy your journey.