CRAZY SH*T PEOPLE SAY (Rated R)

• LADIES FIRST…
maybe it’s a case of people being a little too honest or a little too crazy, but whatever it is – it’s kinda funny…ok maybe not really funny but funny in a corny with excessive use of profanity kinda way… if you go for that kinda thing

• I don’t give a damn if he lies, cheats on me or smokes crack – he’s got some good dick
• Girl fuck Beyonce fake lookin ass– I’d rather look like precious any day of the week
• A man that beats on a woman is better than no man at all
• MARY: I bet Pastor Jones got a big ass dick. LARRY: Girl no. It’s a trick.
• I wish the welfare office was waiting in the delivery room to hand me a check as soon as the baby is born
• What I really love about alcoholic men is they don’t give a damn what a bitch look like… girl would you hand me my zebra hair wig and walrus skinned boots
• HOE: Fuck a education people act like you can’t make a living without it… “beep beep” TRICK: bitch are you selling pussy or making a documentary?” HOE: it’s $25 for straight sex and $35 for the no limit combo nigga!”
• I hate my baby daddy – he aint shit. He don’t ever do shit for his kids, fuck him… “ring ring. That’s his ass callin now. ‘heeeey yeah you can come over. Ok I’ll put the kids to bed.” — now where did I put that Nyquil?
• GIRL AT HOME GETTING DRESSED– showing extra cleavage & nipple: “oh yeah, they gone loooove me!” SAME GIRL AT THE CLUB: “nigga watch the hell you lookin at?”
• That nigga is fine as hell. Aw shit he’s comin this way “heey how you doin? So where you work at baby? mCdonalds ? Nigga please get your Dougie McFresh fry smellin ass the hell away from me.
• WOMAN ON PHONE INTERVIEWING FOR A JOB: “Oh yes ma’am. I have plenty of experience with child care. I love children. Just a minute please ma’am. (SCREAMING) Lil bobby did you drink up all the damn milk again? I’m kickin your lil retarded ass – go get my aluminum bat… (hello? Hello ma’am…?
• HER: Baby you know I love you HIM: yeah I know Piranhaneesha HER: Well baby before I give you head I just wanna warn you that the last 14 dicks I sucked needed to get sewn back on.
• Baby I just wanna warn you that whenever I have sex my ass crack starts to smelling like a busted sewer pipe… but it’s cool I got gas masks under the bed, you look like you wear a large
• GUY: This is the best dick you ever had aint it baby? GIRL: Actually It’s probably around the 27th or 28th best dick I’ve had this year. But it’s the best I’ve had today… so far.
• I’m glad I got a flat ass, cuz I can just slide outta chairs faster than everybody else
• Girl I aint no hoe – I’m a fisher of man, imma just keep throwing this pussy out there til I catch me a winner – watch!
• HIM: Damn baby that was hot ! I never made a girl squirt before! HER: nigga that was piss, I was tryin to hold it til we were done but… oh well glad you like it.

For The Fellaz…
maybe it’s a case of people being a little too honest or a little too crazy, but whatever it is – it’s kinda funny…

  • Baby I got that SUPER mediocre sex!
  • Toilet paper is so overrated
  • I saved over $25 last year by not using toothpaste
  • Bitch money ain’t everything, I could be the CEO of my own company right now, I’m just working at McDonalds cuz I’m doing research on the lifestyles of my people
  • (Man turned down at the bar) Man fuck cute bitches, I prefer women with a lil facial hair anyway.
  • I drink beer for breakfast, got 7 DUI’s last year, married a man dressed as a woman, and my piss is 80% proof vodka but at least I’m not an alcoholic
  • Damn, I spent 85% of my income on weed last month! Do you think I could’ve afford that if I had a drug problem
  • I had sex with 18 miscellaneous hood rats last month – without a condom. My dick is too clean to catch something – I think my dick is the cure to diseases
  • Baby I just wanna warn you; up from, that my dick is so little that if I sneeze it pops inside like a turtle head & I gotta use needle nose pliers to pull it back out
  • Baby I do love you, it’s just that there certain things that only another man can do for me
  • GIRL: Damn baby you’re so buff GUY: yeah baby I worked out in the joint.  I also took a lotta dick up my ass too, but I aint gay
  • Damn baby your 13 year old daughter is getting sexy than a mutha fucker!
  • All I need is some rims on this ford focus & I’ll be getting all the pussy
  • GUY: ‘So you sure you wanna go home with me tonight?’ GIRL:‘yeah baby why do you ask?” GUY:“cuz I always pictured you as the smart type”
  • Aiight fellaz im outta here, I’m bout to go home & jag off to that new Nikki Minaj video
  • Bitch that aint herpes – its dick pimples
  • Aint a damn thing wrong with having man boobs – especially when I’m home alone and horny
  • Wat up baby ? Remember me – I’m the guy that works at mCdonalds? Yeah well I got my income tax check !!! Can I holla now?
  • HER: Nigga you cheated on me ?? HIM: Baby I swear to God that Imma be way slicker from now on… it’ll be just like I’m doing right
  • HER: Damn nigga is that it? 3 minutes? HIM: Bitch I told you I got asthma stop playin with me.

    From The Miscellaneous Files…Christianity is about love and forgiveness but as a Christian leader I believe that all fags should be gathered up and shot in the ass…

    I’m glad that God made me white… oh well let me get to this spa they got a sale on their beauty treatment packages; you get the super tan where there burn some pretty brown onto your skin, the perm put some nappy curls in ya hair and the ass & lip shots to puff ya shit up.

    SON:Momma why aren’t there dinosaurs in the bible? MOMMA:Cuz dinosaurs aint real fool. SON: Well why are there bones in the museum MOMMA: Boy them bones are fake as hell.

    Momma you said that daddy was gonna be ok – everybody in church and on facebook was praying so hard and he still died… does that mean that God is fulla shit?

    GRANNY: Come over here boy give your ganny a hug KID: Waaaaa! Momma you was right! Granny does smell like pickled pigs piss

    Sometimes if I take a big enuf shit, im talkin about a huge one, it hits some kinda nerve in there and boom … I bust a nut. That aint abnormal, is it?

    doctor does green shit oozing outta my coochie mean im turning irish? Cuz I loooove the Celtics

    doctor does a leaky dick mean that my bodys producing too much sperm so the extras just constantly
    drip down my legs?

    MOM: Come here boy & meet your uncle Johnny SON: Damn momma how many dudes are you fuckin?

    I love being black – I can’t wait to get paid so I can go buy me some white people hair & skin lightener