JOKES OF THE DAY

PHILOSOPHY 101…
A wise old man once said to me: “You should question everything in life”
I said, “Why?”
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Mrs. Officer…

I’m not sayin that women are dumb but…
one day this lady cop pulls a car over for speeding and when she approached the car she discovered that it was being driven by a woman. The cop says “can I see your driver’s license please?”
The female driver starts diggin around in her purse & can’t find it, so she says to the ladycop: “I must have left it at home, officer.”
The lady cop says: “Well, do you have any kind of identification?”
The driver searches her big ass oversized bootleg Louis Vuitton purse again and finds a small make-up mirror. She looks at it and says to the cop, “All I have is this picture of myself.”
The lady cop says, “Let me see.” So the female driver hands the mirror over to the lady cop, who takes one look at it and starts laughing. The cops says “Well damn, if I’d known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have pulled you over.”

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my resume…
one day during a snowstorm I got a call at work from a hysterical lady screaming “I need your help my windows have frozen up on me.” I said “calm down lady, just spray some de-icer on ‘em and presto you’ll be all set.”  So I was feeling pretty good having helped out a poor defenseless woman, when five minutes later my phone rang again & it was the same lady calling back. I said “no need to call back and thank me ma’am” she said “I’m not. I called to ask what do I do now? I’ve sprayed the de-icer & suddenly my computer started smoking real bad then there was a loud boom.”

why the geek squad fire me for her mistake?
#AnybodyHiring?
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Best Sellers List…
I went to a book publisher’s office today and announced that I’m currently writing a book called “I want to be a millionaire just like my daddy.” the publisher said “so your dad’s a millionaire, hunh?” I said “no, but he always wanted to be one.”
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my love life…
I wouldn’t say that my wife is the clumsy type but she’s always walking into things and getting hurt.
Like this morning when she walked into our bedroom while I was banging her best friend.
*she’s gotta learn to be more careful*
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my resume…

I was working this sweet ass job as a medical assistant  at a clinic downtown when this hot lil thang came and said “Doc I’m worried about this discharge I’m having, I think something might be wrong.” I said “I’m not the doc but go ahead and jump up on the table and remove your pants” then I put on the latex glove and shoved 3 fingers deep into her vagina and asked, “How does that feel?” She replied, “Absolutely great, but the discharge is in my ear.”

ok so why Dr. Chang decide to fire me for making an honest mistake?  I promise that’s the last time I work for an audiologist

#AnybodyHiring?
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my love life…

I can still remember the first time I got a girl to come over and spend the night with me.
after we were all done doing the ‘damn thing’ & I was walking her to the door I said “I really enjoyed the time we spent kickin it baby, I just wish it was longer.” She said “me too, have you ever considered using a penis pump?”
I still hate her til this day

:(